Monday, December 21, 2009 I wrote at 7:50:00 PM

Live slow, die fast

Gonna throw a statement.
Gramps passed away last Sunday. Came as quite a shock cause we (always our family) were supposed to pick him up from the hospital on Sunday. He was supposed to be fine. Things happened really quick back then, my aunt and all were already planning the funeral. What was saddening was that Gramps wanted to go back to Hainan Island before his body couldn't, but Grammy forbid him to. We had to force Gramp's to close his eyes as there's this saying that when one doesn't go in peace,his eyes would remain open.My aunts usually don't dare to be snarky or nasty to Grammy (With the exception of Qina & Sag,her grand daughters) even though she bitches about most of the time.Seems like the death of Gramp's gave them some guts as well. I find it a little bit too late,though. What can this change? So what if Grammy changed. There's no Gramps for her to repent. Like my aunt said, there's no one for her to hit and snap at anymore. I didn't expect my tears to fall, cause we barely talked at all,my Gramps can only speak dialects, so there was this language barrier. We cried and all, then we started working on the funeral. Seems to run in the blood that we recover quick and get things done.

Despite that, I managed to know he still managed to be a very cute adult, given to all those stories I got to hear during the funeral while Sag and me chose to stay up. Ironically I started talking to my cousins (I don't know anything about them, which cousin is who's son/daughter, how old are them,...) Sag and me go to the convenience store nearby everyday with our (we thought) serious cousin. No,he was the one who kept on asking us to go with him. Can't blame him, he's a lil fascinated, cause he rarely goes to a convenience store,but he's 29!He shouldn't be asking for ice cream and chips. Then we started bitching about cousin Phantom. Disappointed with him,actually. I didn't even knew he existed because from what Sag says,I haven't seen him in any family gathering since Pri Sch. And his guts! Sending his wife and child over for what? Giving obvious signals that he doesn't want to come? And so we bitched for hrs, we had lots of time cause we had to stay up. Bet we inherited this bitching thing from Grammy. And so we bonded.

Isn't it a little bit too late? It was what Gramps wanted to see every CNY, he was always walking around taking pictures of all of us using his antique camera. As I went to pick up Lucky for a walk, he was hysterical and kept on whining. And he had those teary eyes. Its like Lucky knew Gramps ain;t gonna feed him rubbish food anymore. Can't say I've been really depressed or whatsoever, cause we 3 sisters manage to chit chat during the daily monk chantings (No more,no more) and pull off jokes. Okay, so we have no conscience. But Gramps would have liked that. He likes things to be lively and flashy. From what I know Dad and his brothers spent quite a bomb. And the Guilds my Gramps joined. The horrible drumrolls. The laughter. The funeral was lively and all. However I couldn't stop but think: How was Dad feeling? He was very filial even though Sag and me were always delivering the expensive food he brought for Gramps, its okay. The thought counts. The problem with us is that we tend to appreciate sometime alone when we're depressed, when at times like this we could have relied on each other. My airhead of a cousin? Couldn't stop harping that she's never seen her father cry before. Like hello? Your dad just lost his dad.

Nad baby msged me through the nights where I had to stay up. Thank you Baby Bear, thank you. By caring for me and sending your heart condolences to my family. & Zaaty's encouragement. When things get a little bit tough and you're overwhelmed, you feel a little better after knowing that some people care. Its the thought that counts. Can't say I've been disappointed by quite a few people, but its okay. I'm impressed by Guel bro, who tried to come almost everyday to pay his respects, the gesture was touching (excluding the day where he cheated his cute brother over). Don and JunMing came as well. I'm thankful, cause they know Sag tends to get easily emotional and they were concerned even though they don't show it (boys), she's sensitive enough for 2 ppl, which explains why I'm just void of emotion. She took all the emotional vibes and there was none left for me. 2 of Qina's Bitch Club members came down too. They know how she's like, after spending about more then a decade together, she's never willing to show her weakness. So they came, shared and smoked tgt. Friendship like that is beautiful. I'm determined to find friends of mine someday like that too. Qina held my hand for the 1st time in many years when we had to collect Gramps ashes. Shocking. I knew she stopped holding my hand cause I grew up to be extremely unadorable. I was numb even though everyone was crying when Gramps was cremated. I was hoping he will survive through CNY, the only black coffee I drink are the ones he brew and he only makes them during CNY. And his hand made Hainan Chicken Rice. No one would be holding the antique camera to snap and keep memories. I hope Grammy regretted, cause she's never really been nice to Gramps by having fights all the time at this age.

On a sidenote, Buddhist funerals are costly and tiring. Sag and me made a point that we would plan our funerals before we, well, move on. And Qina? She wants a Pink Diamante coffin. Noted. Cause I want mine to go all bling bling too. It will be a non Buddhist thing.

And there goes my ranting. Walls and chunks of text. Sigh, I bet I've gained weight, with all the munching I had to do to keep me awake. Sag and me stayed up for 3 nights and I wouldn't have conked off if Nad baby haven't kept me company.Thanks again Baby!
Qina sis had to postpone her flight to London, but luckily she's off SG land now. Bet she's freezing her ass off, I hope she's having fun there and I want some Vivienne Westwood!
Surprise trip to Meiling's workplace ytd and had my nails done. Love em, TQVM :-) However it had made typing on my touchscreen phone challenging and I've gone to broke to bankrupt. Nevertheless, I need something nice to look at. Another trip to Inuovi to trim my eyebrows and there's nothing left. Whats worse? Sales everywhere and I'm broke for my favourite X'mas.

I've been born an atheist and I'm not convinced by the presence of supreme beings unless scientifically proven. I want to believe that a black butterfly which comes back during the 7th month would be Gramps.
But I still can't. How would you know its him or not? There's no proof. The specks of bone dusts and the many pieces of bones scattered on the red cloth after cremating? That was him. He's gone. Period.